Now what?

To be honest, i really don’t know. What it’s gonna happen… how is it gonna be.If things will ever be back to normal—- well.. define “normal”.

I spent the last 6 (let’s make it nine) months telling myself i was changing, that i was heading somewhere; and there’s also been a moment where the future ahead of me seemed actually pretty damn good. Now everything  feels like i’m  back exactly where i started. Maybe even way before that…

Maybe it’s true, that cliché people says… that you don’t know how much something is important to you untill you lose it. Like i sad, it’s a clichè (uhm, not sure it’s spelled correctly but anyway…) and clichés (way less sure now) are usually true. That’s what makes them clichés in the first place.

So what did i have that now i don’t anymore?

All. I had it. I had it all. Or at least i was getting there… Where I wanted to be. For my whole life I dreamed to find something like that. Like them.

People. Friends. Guys. More like me than any other person i’ve ever met (ok i admit they’re not many)… and with more in common than any other friend i’ll ever get. Someone who listens my same kind of music, finally someone to go to concerts with, someone who actually knows how the fuck to use a god damn computer and doesn’t think that internet is this big bad ninja just hiding behind you monitor waiting to send you a virus. Someone who would probably understand what i’m writing (not that any of them will ever see this) even if it’s in that evil ugly language we had to study at school.

I own the most of that to you. You introduced me to your friends, you let me in, you brought me in places i didn’t even know they exist. You showed me your world for no reason other reasons than that we were becoming friends. And i loved it.

And than i screw up. for good. bigger and better than ever before. Back to square one.

Just yesterday i was at a concert. And you were there, and your friends were there too. Only that you where with them and I was there by myself… again. 

I tried to talk to you for the first time after what happened, and it was awkward like never before. In that moment more than any other… it felt like nothing had really changed during the past few months.

I was still there… on my own … hanging out… but still by myself… What’s the point in that? Doing things, go to places… if you don’t have people to share with; To talk to; To tag on you facebook photos… if at the end of the day it’s just gonna be me and whatever there is waiting for me, at the end of that 50km highway that leads back home. 

A hope. That “let’s not talk here, we’ll skype” you told me yesterday. And of course i’m gonna hold on to that hope until i can.

I couldn’t help myself. From looking at you for a second… while we were all leaving after the concert… you were heading out, over the fields, among your friends. 

“I’m sorry and i hope we could be friends again.”